I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
