At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
