6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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