He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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