grandma shit on top of the toilet
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
