so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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