I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
