I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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