I can tuck mytits in my pants
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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