She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
