Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
