broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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