It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
