In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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