mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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