some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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