turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
