Will you blow on my dice?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
