also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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