Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
