i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
