My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Boobs are out for the taking
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize