defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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