this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
