she peed on how many people?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
