I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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