I met the friendliest cop last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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