so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
