i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
