lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
