Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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