roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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