I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
