Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
