tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
