the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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