my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
