i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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