At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
