Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
