I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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