Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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