If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
