I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize