I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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