She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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