Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
