He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I checked into jail on foursquare
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize