I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
