Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
