Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
