I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
